My Life in Motion

Well, I did it
yep, I did
I joined a gym
you know
one of those
things that I do
not normally do,
I am not sure
what has happened
to me!!! Something
has taken over my
brain...

Well, my mom made it safe and sound and we have been doing lots of running around! The boys have been loving having her here and getting to play with her cat Moxey.
You see I am a mean mom and will not let them have an animal till they can all take care of themselves in the bathroom! That is not to much to ask, considering I have been wiping behinds for the last year! I think it is rather a fair trade if you ask me!

Tomorrow holds scrapbooking with friends, playing with a new baby (no Shanna it does not make me want another on, you've gone CRAZY), food, and playing with the boys. Next Friday is my mom's birthday and I am think about dinner and Color Me Mine Pottery. Along with the HOLY COW boutique and the Blue Goose. My mom loves things like that! I hope that she enjoys it. I know that it will be a hard day for her.

It has been strange having her here, don't get me wrong i love it. It is just a constant reminder that he is gone from my life. I know it was hard for her today, because we have lived away most of our marriage and every time she has ever been with my children my dad was there also. K-3 and my dad always had a special bond, he asked me last night why grandpa was not here with grandma. SO sad for us all that he is not!

I am going to finish cleaning, yes I like to do it in the middle of the night. I like to play to much during the day. And, it unfortunately will not clean itself. Believe me I have waited long enough to see if it would.

A work in Progress

Do you ever feel like you are a work in progress? I feel that way all the time. I will never be finished always incomplete. Everyday brings promise of change in my life, maybe because I am open to it. I learn something new about myself, things I like and don't like. The things that are the hardest are the things I don't like and that I need to work on so that I do change. I never pretend that I know it all because trust me I don't. I try not to talk about things that I have not been through and value people who have. I want to be open to listen to really hear what someone else has to say. I want to be a good friend the kind I want people to be to me. It is hard for me to understand people who cannot put themselves in someone Else's place because I do it all the time. I want to be compassionate to always admit when I am wrong. So, why do some people not or not even have that thing in them that says your wrong you have hurt someone?

On a lighter note K-2 turned 6 last Friday...someone tell me where the time goes? I cannot even tell anymore. Next time a wake up they are going to be off to college or having a baby of there own.

My mom is half way here. She is staying for about a month, it will be good for us all to get to be together.

Where do I go from here?

Today there is a haze in the air, the smell of rain and a fall musky kind of scent fills the air. Maybe that is why I fill the way I do. When you lose something you love so dearly, it fills like a haze covers you. Many days I wonder if the absence or the black whole of nothingness that covers me like a blanket will ever leave. I tell myself you have to move past this point and some days I feel like I can. But, others I feel like I am back at square one. I am so tired of tears filling my eyes and this ache in my heart. I wish the haze would lift from my eyes so that I could feel whole again. It is not easy feeling this way and having a crazy busy life like mine. The mother of 4 boys who need there mom to just be normal. Is this my new normal? I feel like everyday if I have something to say it is way to deep for the rest of the world. Where do I go from here? The silence of his booming voice giving me direction i my life, guiding me telling me it is going to be alright and that no matter what choice I make he will be with me to support me. He did even when I made the wrong choice at 16 to marry a crazy man. My dad was there and he was the one who picked me up when I wanted out 6 years later. He was the one who wiped away my tears and told me you do not have to be defined by this part of your life you can learn a valuable lesson and move on to greatness. He was there when I had my sons. He and my mom watched them when I went back to work and I was so grateful that they got to spend that time with them. He was always the person who could make me see the heart of humanity and love people for there differences. To realize that the world has many face and place.

He taught me to lay out the alter of my life and leave a mark on everyone I met. To show grace and love at all time (which I am still not very good at).

Again where do I go from here? I am not sure... The one thing I do kn0w is that I want to live out the example that I teach my sons. I want them to know I will always support them and love them...

What a week

Well with the BIG K gone it has been a long week, and honestly it has only been 2 days so far ! But, hey that is a long time to play single mom for a mother of 4. Last Friday K-2 had a carnival for school. What a time that was. Why parents do not see it as there responsibility to raise kids is something I do not understand. I think how my children are is a reflection of the love, discipline and time that I invest in them. Why the state of Utah does not see that I am not sure. What do parent's think the kids will turn out like! We are suppose to give them direction, teach them to be curdious, to treat others how they want to be treated. Not just let them run wild, sass you and be disrespectful to others. This has been one of my biggest issues with living here. Maybe that is because I come form the Midwest where everything is yes ma'am and no sir. Where the kids are kids and the adults are adult and until you are of a proper age you do not question the authority that God gave them over you! My mother would have slapped my face if I talked to her the way I hear kids talk to parents!

I expect my children to behave in public or at home. They need to use good manners and treat others how they want to be treated! They know that if the behave there are rewards and if they do not there will be consequences. That my friend is just the way it is. I am a woman in a house with 5 guys, they all know that I am the queen and they have to obey!

In return I love them, feed them all the foods they love and we get to do fun things because they are well behaved when we go somewhere.