Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Where do I go from here?

Today there is a haze in the air, the smell of rain and a fall musky kind of scent fills the air. Maybe that is why I fill the way I do. When you lose something you love so dearly, it fills like a haze covers you. Many days I wonder if the absence or the black whole of nothingness that covers me like a blanket will ever leave. I tell myself you have to move past this point and some days I feel like I can. But, others I feel like I am back at square one. I am so tired of tears filling my eyes and this ache in my heart. I wish the haze would lift from my eyes so that I could feel whole again. It is not easy feeling this way and having a crazy busy life like mine. The mother of 4 boys who need there mom to just be normal. Is this my new normal? I feel like everyday if I have something to say it is way to deep for the rest of the world. Where do I go from here? The silence of his booming voice giving me direction i my life, guiding me telling me it is going to be alright and that no matter what choice I make he will be with me to support me. He did even when I made the wrong choice at 16 to marry a crazy man. My dad was there and he was the one who picked me up when I wanted out 6 years later. He was the one who wiped away my tears and told me you do not have to be defined by this part of your life you can learn a valuable lesson and move on to greatness. He was there when I had my sons. He and my mom watched them when I went back to work and I was so grateful that they got to spend that time with them. He was always the person who could make me see the heart of humanity and love people for there differences. To realize that the world has many face and place.

He taught me to lay out the alter of my life and leave a mark on everyone I met. To show grace and love at all time (which I am still not very good at).

Again where do I go from here? I am not sure... The one thing I do kn0w is that I want to live out the example that I teach my sons. I want them to know I will always support them and love them...


Karen said...

I miss you girl and have tears coming down my face after reading this. I feel so bad that I am not there for you. I miss being able to call you up and come over and hang out. I know nothing I say can ease the pain you are feeling. Just know that while the hurt doesn't go away - life helps you move on. I still cry when I think of my nephew who died 9 years ago. You know your dad is looking down on you and is your Guardian Angel. He will still be there to help you in life - just in a silent manner now.

Love ya and miss you terribly girl!!

Anonymous said...

Oh hun. I don't even know what to say. I've been back here 3 times trying to come up with the perfect answer. The perfect solution. Still haven't come up with it. Wait - I know! Move to TEXAS! ;) Now it only that were possible!!

You are one of the most unique and amazing people I've EVER come across and I KNOW you'll be ok. Keep your chin up - ignore the FREAKS of Utah and keep the light at the end of the tunnel in sight.

Guinhyvar said...

I lost my mother four years ago, and can relate, very well, to what you write.

I can tell you, it doesn't get "better". It becomes bearable. Not a day will go by that you don't think of him, and miss him, and sometimes you will cry and ache for the loss, even years later.

But. It is something that you can... not "move on" from, but learn to live with. The pain doesn't lessen, exactly, but maybe we become more capable of bearing it. And after some time, it doesn't seem as overwhelming. Believe it or not, although you will always miss him, everyday, this thick cloud of grief does lift, and light shines through again. A little bit at a time, but it does happen.

I'm sorry that I don't have anything better to say. But I understand what you feel. I feel it too.