Friday, November 28, 2008


Today I spent playing away the day with my boys...
They grow up so fast, you look away for a moment
and they are off to school.
We were wrestling tonight and I almost can't take
K-1 anymore he is getting so strong, plus he is almost
as big as I am.

Last night was fun we had a few couples over and ate a ton.
Played some games and chatted away the day till late into the

I am thankful for having friends it makes it easier to be away
from home...

Today hit the great sales at Wal*Mart gotta love that store:) wink wink

Then made my way over to Sears where they had Wii games for $11 can't beat that.

Now all my boys are asleep in the family room watching Star Wars Clone Wars.
I am truly blessed to be there mother. I love the little carrier monkies!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

To Be ThankFul...

To be thankful... to show have give admiration...
I have always tried to live a life showing thanks...
I am so truly thankful even in this mess...
I am thankful for peace though it may come and go...
I am thankful for husband and my sons...
they are the light of my world...thankful for my friends...
they hold me together...thankful for my gives me hope
for the future...thankful for life...for living and knowing...
thankful for memories...they make time stand still...
thankful for tears...they clear the fog in my head...
thankful for helps me keep going...
thankful for helps me to feel accomplished...
I am thankful that I live where I can have a voice...
where things are better and can be better...
Today I am just Thankful....

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Tidalwave of life

Today started out okay, I chatted away the morning with and old friend, tried to purge out some unused items,
worked out,
played with my kids,
got a good deal on meat at Wal*Mart :)
then came home and my world started crashing around me.

My mom and I had several unkind conversations with one another, both said things I am sure we wish we could take back and cried.

I know loss is hard, I didn't know that before, not before such an icon in my life had passed. Some days I do good to cope with my own grief let alone being exposed to others.

You feel as though your flesh is exposed, a gaping wound, seeping and drenched in pain. Like someone is tearing your insides out while you are conscious. The void is so vast that nothingness only remains.

I know this will pass for me and for her, but it is hard watching things knowing that it will never be the the same. Not know what is ahead. I know that she wants him back that he was her companion! He was her everything for 35 years. That he was my father for 33. I am not sure how to help her. At time you feel like you lost them both and that is ever more painful the just the one. Plus being 22 hours away doesn't help the feel either. Not being able to be there, to put your arms around her and let her know you are their and that you feel the same pain.

I try to no be self centered and at times I must admit it is hard. I am not normally a self-centered person.

Then I think at moments like these you know who your true friends are. They come to you aid, to rescue you from yourself. I have found a few of them and consider them the sweetest women I know!

Thank you for being my friend, for helping through this time, for being the life raft that I need right now. For stepping outside of yourself even though you have ever been where I am and just being a friend.

I love you for this and I hope that I can be the shoulder in your life when you meet this cross in the road. Thank you for being my bridge to the other side!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Missing things the way they were...

Today I find myself missing things the way they were. Wanting to here his voice and talk about my week. So instead we hung up the outside Christmas lights. Here in Utah you have to get them up before the snow comes.

Last week was a blur, everyday had lots of tasks and I think I only completed 1/2 of them on any given day. This week does not hold to much yet and I hope that I can keep it that way! I just need to clean and organize. I need to not want to just sleep and just get things done! I hope that your week holds promise of a brighter tomorrow along with mine.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I hate email

Since we have moved to Utah, I have had nothing but email problems! I hate email here it is so frustrating! Either I cannot send or I cannot receive! This place sometimes really makes me crazy!

Enough about that at least I can blog! Do you ever fill like you just have to much on your plate? That is how this week feels to me, maybe it is just the mood I am in. I get so irritated at how I feel and want to just feel normal again. I hope this is just not my new normal! Still plagued by the loss of my dad, trying to help my mom and my sister is feeling the same way. I wish I knew the answer to just feel joy once more. Some days are easy to get through and others just seem overwhelming. These are not normal emotions for me. I know that they are for most, but not me. I like to just be.

I am happy that time seems to be flying by me. Now that it is almost mid-November. I sit and think of where the time has gone. I am tempted to put up my Christmas tree that always seems to brighten my mood. Now to just find the time to be able to do that. Next week is a short week the boys only have school for 3 days so maybe then.

I know enough of my rambling. I am trying so hard to not just get stuck in this place. I am not a self-centered person and right now I feel like one.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

How do you make a difference?

I look around and see so many parents detached from everyday life with kids. Mostly, sadly mom's. How do we make a difference in the world.

Let me tell you how? One child at a time.
Make sure you encourage them.
Show them you love them.
Tell them your proud of them.
Push them beyond comfort zones.
Show them what hard work is.
Be the best example in there young lives.

The most important thing we can give is faith, ethic, imagination, perseverance and determination. Let them know that nothing is impossible if they work hard enough. If they don't like something they have the power to change it. All it takes is a conscious effort. Never lose hope, cling to faith and build on love.

I was reminded what I have lost by my sister who was having a bad day. Feeling overwhelmed still about losing our father. Missing that force that kept her going. My dad was so good about telling you how proud he was of you. Pointing out what you were good at and yet encouraging you in the areas that you needed to work on. Never sounding self righteous always pushing you to strive. Always showing you that he believed in you. I realize how many parents do not know what that looks like. How can we show something if we were never shown it? It takes making an effort to see beyond yourself.

I think that so many people get caught up living life that they lose sight of the most important things. Somewhere in there we have to stop and see today as a day to change. I feel as though I am a work in progress everyday of my life. Learning a lesson out of every day. Wanting to be better then what I am.

I want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better listener, a better person...

I do not want to get lost in the busy nothingness of life, I always want to see today with renewed vision, faith and love.

I see them my four boys as hope and wanting a better way for them. i know I cannot keep them from failure nor do I want to. It was in the wreck of my life that I found myself, that I became who I am. I want them to know that it is never to late to change.

Sorry for all the reflecting and inner reflection posts guess it is just where I am at right now in life.

So as the snow falls here in Utah and the mountains are once again covered, I miss you my fair weathered friend if you were here we would grab a burger and laugh until we cried!

Monday, November 3, 2008

The weekend in retrospect

Instead of trick-or-treating we went to the church Harvest Festival. The boys had so much fun! They had all kinds of games and food, plus they snagged about 15lbs. of candy no joke. I wish they did not get so much, but we are going to send some of it to work with dad and also put some in the operation Christmas child boxes we are doing as a service project. I think that it is so important for my boys to know how to give back. They enjoy picking out gifts for others and helping package the boxes! I want them to know that in life it is easy come easy go. To always share and give back to those who are in need. To be an important part of a community that helps one another. the boys were sick all last week. That is the one thing that I hate about having a large family it takes so long to get over things. I finished our Christmas cards and hope to get them out after Thanksgiving. Hope that you are having a wonderful day I am off to clean!