Monday, December 29, 2008

To talk less and listen more (long post)

My Mew Year resolutions of course are going to reflect what has been going on in the last year. Coming back to center has taught me alot about myself some good some bad.

1. Talk less and listen more
2. Grow deeper
3. Say I love you more
4. Be a better friend
5. Organizes and prioritize my life and belongings
(even though that has already started)
6. Laugh more
7. Build stronger family bonds
8. Not care what others think about how I live my life
(only how I feel about how I live my life, because in the end i am the one who answers for me)
9. Study more
10. Cry less

I know this may not seem big to you, but to me right now in life it is. Losing a driving force that was such a vital part of who I am, has knocked the wind out of me. I need to see things through to the end and take a look at what my life will say of me!

This is a song my sister sang at my dad's funeral it has taken on a whole new meaning for me!
Listen to the words carefully

Legacy by Nicole Norderman


I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me

And I enjoy an accolade like the rest

You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery

Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights

We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'

But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides

The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically

And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile

To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy

It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred

Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

So that is where I am right now!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Today was spent shopping and playing the snow, mounds and mounds of snow. The Oklahomans visiting do not get to see this much snow. My nephew was like you live in the coolest place ever! They are having a blast and fighting over the snowball maker all at the same time! We will spend the evening cooking snacks laughing and breaking up fights! Yes, with seven kids in the house and only one being a girl it is bound to happen!

Merry Christmas my loves, may it be merry and the sweetness of the season run over you!
I am going to try to compose myself over the next two days we will see how well that works out... I miss him and his presence in my life.

Monday, December 22, 2008


Today the snow has fallen all day. Not sure if it plans on stopping. I have not been very productive even though I should be since we have company coming in. I have gone shopping in the snow, screamed like a maniac at my children and the way that they clean up after themselves. What is it about picking up is it a concept that they cannot grasp because they are boys? Or, is it much more sinister is it my fault because I have done a bad job at teaching them. not sure which. I have had several cups of coffee and am still in my funk. I am so not in the Christmas spirit and it is sad because it is normally my favorite time of year. This year I guess I don't have much to celebrate maybe next year will be better. I feel bad for the boys having such a crazy mom who cries for no reason and is all yelling about things. Hope the in-laws are not expecting to much because I don't have much to give. God this is depressing! yuk

Saturday, December 20, 2008


Everything in life has a season? Are the seasons what makes us better? Do they bring joy in the morning? I keep waiting for this season to pass and the new one to usher in. This year has been a long hard road for me. I feel as though ever aspect of me has changed. I am not sure if for the better. I hold on to faith and the meaning of what you were and what you will become, come only from what you have passed through. Profound, to think of what will come of this. This space in between that feels like it just goes on and never ends.
Trying to keep myself in the spirit of Christmas saying to myself I have to do it for the boys, but nothing seems the same anymore. Just wanting the sheer weight of it all to be lifted. There are still days that it feels unbearable, like I will crush underneath it. Some aren't so bad but everyday has pieces of it. If time heals all things then time needs to speed up! The hardest part is having everything be so different, not hear his voice everyday. The comfort, peace and encouragement that he would give. The wisdom that he had.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow

Yes, I know most of you are not covered in snow, but here in Utah it just keeps acomin'. Today we are getting another round this afternoon and it is rated at a 4 out of a scale of 1-5. Sounds like fun huh? So does 2 degrees tonight! No not really, I would much rather have 75 and playing at the park with a picnic!

Tonight is the 1st night of the Christmas play "Hark" it is a 1930's radio broadcast. The boys are in it and it runs for 3 days. I am the hospitality director this year. It has been fun, but I am ready for the show to get on the road. Next week My husbands brother and his family are coming in from Oklahoma to spend a White Christmas here in Utah with us. i am looking forward to having family around and the boys are geeked up to have cousins. I know they have always had them, but because out of our almost 9 years of marriage we have only lived by family for 18months of it! So they are super excited to have them here.

In case I do not write very much over the next week. May your Christmas be Merry and Bright and may all your Christmas's be white!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

How do I help you hang on?

My sister the only one of the six that I grew up with. The one who would sing "Open Arms" and "The Rose" to me while tickling my back when we were kids so that I would fall asleep, is struggling to stay above water so to speak. She is having a breakdown of sorts. She does not seem to be able to laugh her way out. This year has been the most straining on me and everyone in my family. Sometime you just stop and go seriously are you kidding me!!!

But, back to my sister she has had a pretty traumatic life to say the least. Yet she always bounced back with her sarcastic humor that kept her afloat. But, now for some reason her raft is sinking. How do you help someone that you love that is spiraling out of control? I know I cannot save her, though I wish that I could. She has 4 children and one grandchild. 3 of her kids are young enough that they need her to take care of them still. And my poor mom is having to watch all of this.

I cannot be him even though I wish I could. My father would have known what to do, how to fix this, how to help her, what to say. Yet I am at a loss once again and left crying with overwhelming grief. My heart aches at being so far away, not being able to help my sister or my mom. Who I know that if my sister cannot pull it together is going to suffer greatly watching this happen to her child. Without her husband there to soften the fall.

When I was younger my mother suffered from mental illness, I can only imagine what that is doing to her now. To watch her own daughter struggle through the realm of mental illness.

Why does life take so many turns for some and none for others? Is it by our own choices that we create our short comings? Is it really because we do not try enough, trust enough, or simply because we do not have faith in God? These are some of the questions swimming in my head.

Right now I wish the rain would stop falling and the sun would shine on my life for awhile and of those that I love.

Because seriously are you kidding me? Or My God My God why have you forsaken me? Tomorrow we will find out when she will be evaluated. I love you Carson and I hope that you can find your way again.

Here is the link to the songs see if you remember it Open Arms and this one The Rose

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Have you ever noticed?

Have you ever noticed how when there is a blanket of snow on the ground it illuminates the night? Well I do because when it snows I wish I had blackout curtains! I cannot stand light when I sleep! We have no street light because we live by cows and horses. It is all the moon and the snows fault. I swear you could drive in Utah at night in the winter with no headlights. I know when I move from here someday I will miss the snow. Just like I did when I left Maryland.
Today is full of cleaning and cooking getting ready for my husbands work party that we host at our house every year. I am sure he always prays for restraint of my mouth when his managers are at our house. Because we all know I just blurt out what I am thinking most of the time. No filter nope not me!
As the snow covers the ground and I think will this be my last year here, my last party with these people? In our lives the faces change so much, and everywhere I go I leave with a pocket full of friends and memories. He can start applying next September and who knows where will go next. See I don't care, I never really do, I will go anywhere. Every place changes me, every friend changes my life in someway. I am thankful for the ones that I have. you know a true friend when they stay in touch with you, as you trollop all over the country. When they come an visit you no matter where you are! I am thankful for the ones I have made here. they have kept me sane at times. All of my crazy MOPs mom's and Shanna my first friend here who now thanks to our company is in the last place I left!
I miss Shanna, I love having another wife who's husband works for the same company and knows my crazieness. When she and her kids could always hang out beacuse her life was just like mine. Who knows how crazy it can get in this life and all the reasons why! I miss her mad photography skills and showing me so much about everything. Our late night dates with hamburgers and a movie and no shortage of laughter! Hope we are back again together sometime!

Friday, December 12, 2008

It is sooo COLD...

Today is the gym, then Polar Express with the boys ! It will be fun K-3 has a friend in preschool whose family owns a train and they do a Polar Express thing so we are going. I am renting movies making homemade Chicken soup and finishing some shopping for the Party at our house on Sunday for the management staff at the blue shop! Tomorrow it is suppose to snow then snow most of the week! I am not in love with the cold and miss the 62 degree weather in Texas right now. I wish we could go to the park and play, or go to the dollar movies with Shanna and make cookies. So as you are warm with the sunshine on your skin think of me freezing with cracked skin on my hands!

I will try to post some pics later of the train ride if it does not get canceled, but it is raining ice right now!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

This time of year

I love this time of year when all of the Christmas family shows come on TV. There is never a shortage of snuggling on the couch watching a family special. I remember when I was a kid and the Disney movies came on, on Sunday nights. You would stay up later then normal eating pizza and watching the special movie. I love being with the boys and just hangin' out. All of the kisses and cuddles. I hope that they never stop being affectionate with me even though I am sure there will be a time when they do. So, I think I will enjoy the moment for what it is. For right now I am thankful for all of the shows on ABC family and know that I get to look forward to one being on every night until Christmas.

Just in case you are looking for some good ideas to do with the kids on break check out this website

they have some cute ideas!

Monday, December 8, 2008


I cannot say enough about the women who make up the fabric of my life...I LOVE THEM...

Today I talked to Madeline for a long time. She is so much fun she is twice my age and is such a source of inspiration and knowledge because she has already been there and done that! i love you haggatha :)

These women where would I be without them.

They make me laugh

They make me cry

They make me not take myself to seriously!

They take me as I am and if you know me you know that I can be hard to handle at times to say the least.

I got a card the other day from Karen... She is truly one of the nicest people and is always so giving of herself. I am so thankful to have her in my life! She knows just how to cheer me up!

I sent out happy mail to a few people...Shanna will be getting Christmas and birthday all in one I hope that it does not break in shipping Shanna.

Everywhere we move I am so amazed at the relationships that we create that stick with us through it all. The Mariners are a good example of that. All of the places we go and we always find friends that are just like having family, like here in Utah we have the Thomas family.

I know I am just rambling but unlike Shanna I look for ways to not have to do the laundry!

I feel blessed beyond measure today! I was going through alot last week and at one point was so upset I did not know where to turn, so of course I talked to my mom. After talking to my mom I was in the car listening to the radio and all 3 of the songs my sister sang at my dad's funeral and one that we did at the graveside together played one right after the other. Since then I have felt close to my dad even though he is not present. I felt as though God was looking right into my heart and knew what I needed in that moment.

So even though I know there will be tears still in the absence of a giant force in my life I feel as though we are not apart. I don't know how you feel about that and even before that happened to me I was not for sure how I felt about it but now I feel blessed! As I just sat in the car and let the tears wash over my soul. I am not a big cry person so when I do it really counts. That day I could not control it I just sat there like a crazy person crying in my car.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Wanting more

After the death of my dad I find myself wanting more. Maybe raw emotions make you feel like that, I am not sure. I am searching, longing, trying o find my way to a better me. Expecting more from others and maybe I am wrong for that.

I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me over. I want to live out loud, outside myself. I want to enjoy the moments more with my children. I want to cherish and grow deeper. I want to laugh harder, not take myself so seriously. I want to dive deeper in my faith. I want to make each second count. I want my boys to know I love them. I want my husband to know that he is my one true love. I want my friends to know how much they mean to me.

So these are a few of the things I want for the New Year. The things I will be working to make happen.

More then just losing weight and being healthier physically, I want to change from the inside out!