Amazed

I am so amazed at how much the heart can grow and stretch. At our ability to love and make room for another person as though they were always present. Every time I have had a child I thought how can I love one more person, and be able to give them all what they need. Somehow it just happens! You make room and the new little person makes all of your lives better just by having them and it re-enforces motherhood once again and our ability to care for ad love our young. In a way that only a mother can love. Watching how the boys have responded to a sister and how they never miss a beat and keep on ticking along as thought things have always been this way. Like this is how life was meant to be. They are my tiny hero's, I hope that when all 5 of my children look back on their lives the one thing they know for sure is they were loved. That they grew up in a loving home, that they never felt left out or not wanted. They are these great people who have compassion, share, and laugh all the time. I hope life is kind to them and that they always stay that way!

Merry Christmas

This is our Christmas present this year. K-5 with all her charm has added love and pink to our lives. Our Christmas has been filled with laughter and lots of yummy food. We hope that you all have a wonderful holiday. We are anxiously awaiting the New Year with hope and joy for what it might bring to our lives.

So Merry Christmas and a Happy and Blessed New Year. I will be sending out Christmas/Birth Announcements soon. Yes, they will be late this year. I know there is a first time for everything right!

Perfect

On December 16th I gave birth to my fifth child a girl. The only one I will ever have. She was born at 3:18p.m. 6 lbs. 15 oz and 19 1/2 inches. I went into the hospital at 8:30 they broke my water at 9:30 went into labor at 2 and the 2 pushes later and some extra pain medication there she was. I never in my life would have thought that I would be the mother of 5. Here I am almost 10 years of marriage to an amazing man and I have 4 sons and 1 daughter. The boys have been over joyed to have her.

It never ceases to amaze me at how my life has turned out. I was the one who didn't want to get married and never wanted kids. To now I cannot imagine anything else better then the life I live. Being a stay at home mom and loving everything about it. Knowing how blessed I am in my life to be able to be at home with them. getting to share in every little thing in their lives right now. Watching them change and mature into the little gentlemen that they are. I know I will find the same joy and comfort with my daughter. I wish that my father could see her, hold her, share all of his wisdom with her. So I will just have to do my best to impart that into her. to give her the confidence that he gave me to face the world and all of it's challenges.

She is perfect and I know that she will bring as much joy and laughter to our lives as her brothers have. I hope she is ready for this crazy life with 4 older brothers. I am sure that there will be times in her life where she will not like being the only girl with all these boys. I think I like it that way....they will make sure she stays in line I am sure!

Choices

We all make choices in life. With every choice we make our lives can take a different path. I still believe that it only takes one person to make a difference. That our actions and words can impact those around us. With every choice I make I think of how will it effect those I love the most. I think of the choice of my children, I often hear myself speaking pearls of wisdom that I wish someone had told me! I wonder if I will push them to much.
K-1 struggles at time in school and has to work a little harder then K-2. I always tell him you can be as smart as you want to be. Knowledge is there for anyone willing to work hard enough to obtain it! That the things worth having in life are the things worth working for. No life lesson was ever learned the easy way. It is through the trials that we are refined and made stronger. I wonder how this all sounds to a 8 1/2 year old.
While I am hoping that any of it or all of it will stick with him. He is a smart, funny, courageous boy. He captivated me the moment he came into the world. But, I always feel like I am pushing him. I know this will turn out one of two ways. Either he will resent me for it, or he will love me for it. I sure hope that he loves me for it. I just cannot stand back and settle for anything but his best. I am willing to work hard for with him.
I know someday I will look back on all of this and think I was crazy, all the sleepless nights worrying about them and they are not even in Jr. High!

Time is ticking away!

Time keeps on ticking, ticking away. Soon my life will add a fifth child and a girl at that. My girlfriend had a baby shower for me. It was the sweetest shower I have ever been to. She invited about 20 people, had a great lunch and instead of the normal games she had everyone pick a bead the say something about me and a attribute for Karly. Out of the beads two bracelets were made and she wrote down each word in a book that she made. Sarah is very clever like that. Thank you Sarah for being so thoughtful and such a sweet friend!
I cannot believe it is almost Thanksgiving, this year has flown by me. I am excited to see what the future holds for my family. Looking back over the boys lives, I think of the things that have happened I am thankful that my mind remembers them all so well. They grow up so fast as I look my almost 9 year old in the eyes now and how he is a carbon copy of his dad! My 7 year old, I would love to spend just one day inside his head to see where he comes up with this stuff. My almost 6 year old he is one person at home and another at school I would have never thought it! Mr. Popular! My 4 year old who could still your heart with just one glance!
Now there will be Karly in a few short weeks. I wonder who she will look like, who she will act like and what she will think of her life!

How did I get here?

It seems like only yesterday this year started and now it is almost over. Summer flew by me and I didn't even notice and now winter is upon us. As I approach the birth of our fifth child, I still wonder how did I get here to this place? I will soon have a 9,8,6 and 5 year old and a new baby. With so many uncertainties in life, I still am amazed at the human ability to expand the heart and allow love for one more person in. I know this will be a new adventure being the mother of a daughter, I am excited about the possibilities! Even though I never thought I would be here . It seems like the boys are growing at warp speed and soon I will wake up and they will be gone. Time just keeps marching on. You have those moments that you wish you could just bottle and keep forever. The faces they make, the sound of their laughs, the way they smell after playing in the leaves, the sweet kisses and hugs they give you. I hope they never grow out of cuddling and telling me they love me. I adore being their mother, every painstaking moment at times.

I like bugs more then people!!!

Yes, you would know that I of all people would have a kid that says that! I said what? He said I like them more then humans we connect on a deeper level! You can find him anytime of the day anywhere with some form of animal or bug! They are always nice and if they bite you they are just scared because you are so big! I knew from the moment K2 was born I was in for it. He is so much like me but different at the same time. He beats to his own drum and does not care what others think. Animals he loves! He will sit with a dog for hours. Since we do not have any pets he loves bug and insects. A few days ago he found a praying mantis they pinch so when it pinched his brother, K3 he jumped on it and killed it K2 cried for hours over it. Now he has a katydid we had to tell him they only live for 3 or 4 months. I hope he is not crushed when it dies. I know he will be the one who goes far away to save some strange bug from death! The heart of this child amazes me! He would rather be with bugs or family only not people, because they are not connected! From the mouths of babes comes the truth!

Precious Moments

It is days like today that I am reminded of why I married this man. Because after 14 years of knowing him he is still the one I love. Not often am I mussy so deal with it this once. Watching him with our kids is the most amazing thing. Seeing the ways that they act just like him is beautiful at times. Knowing that no matter what life challenges we face he is always there for me rather I need him to be or not. That he always considers me, and wants to know how I feel about decisions that we have to make. He stands by me in my parenting and makes sure that what I say goes. He knows that he can work 80 hours a week and that the balance of our home life lots of times falls on my shoulders. He is very understanding, yet at the same time when I am wrong he waits for me to realize it instead of throwing it in my face. He is not the arguing type and refuses most times to even do it. He wants to take care of his family. All he ever wanted to be was a daddy and now his dream of having a girl is coming true. Not that he does not love his boys because trust me he does, he just wanted a daughter. I am glad that he is getting that in life to be a father to a little girl that I know will grow up thinking her daddy hangs the moon!

Motherhood

We all have those moments where a child drives us over the edge... The best way that I have found to deal with this to to call a good mommy friend who knows exactly what you are talking about! So you can scream, yell, vent or cry to them about it and they don't think you are crazy! That is unless they are one of those mom's, you know the one's! The one's who pretend like their kids never do anything wrong and that they have never had a moment like that! Yeah right, it you are a mom you have had a moment like that I assure you. I love having friends who know what i am talking about and find some way to make me laugh about it. I know no matter what I am going through that day that I can call her and she will make me laugh about it. It is perfect to have someone who shares your sense of humor and gets you with out having to say a word they know where you are coming from. My kids for the most part are good boys, but trust me they have those days that everything goes wrong and I have to find a way to get them back on track! I love them and I love being a mother, but there are days you can either laugh or cry about things I prefer to laugh!

This Morning

This morning no one wanted to get out of bed as the crisp Autumn air filled the house. The four K's came dragging upstairs. They reluctantly got dressed and so began another day. As I walked through the house with my first very needed cup of coffee I saw one getting breakfast another staring off into space not quite ready to focus on his day, one needing help getting his pj's off his head while the other hummed a tune as he was brushing his teeth. Can you guess who is who in this picture? K-1 was eating, K-3 was not focused, K-4 needed help and yes K-2 was humming! They day is packed full yet again, I am off to teach math to some very advanced 1st graders, then parent teacher conferences, carpool, homework with 4 kids, dinner, dishes, laundry and on no sleep. This little girl that I carry inside me I am sure is already anticipating life on the outside as she only likes to sit in my ribs and make me uncomfortable all night.

How did I get so lucky to have these four guys in my life. It takes more power then I have at times not to bite them and smush them up. K3 always tells me after dinner "thanks mom for the great dinner, I loved it" where do these people come from? Some people say good parenting, but trust me that did not come from me! I think it is pure luck and I hit the jackpot. Though at times they make me crazy and there are not enough hours in my day! I wouldn't trade this life with all it's up's and down's for anything else.

I love mud covered kisses and boys talking about snot! I just hope that I will feel the same way about sugar and spice and everything nice! A good friend of mine said it best when she is entering high school K-4 will be going to college and you won't have to feel guilty about focusing all your energy on her and making sure she stays out of trouble!

So needless to say I am thankful, thankful for this crazy time in my life where everything moves a warp speed and all the days blend together. Thankful for these little hands that I get to hold even though some of them are almost as big as mine! Thankful for the young men that they are! Ready to see if I can love another just as much as them!

Life has Season's

My father would always tell me that life has season's. Season's of sorrow, joy, happiness, wealth and silence. Now that I am in my mid 30's and having my 5th child, I can look back and see how much I have changed and what season's I have been in. The lesson's we learn along the way if we stop and reflect always help us in our current place. They give you strength to draw from, knowing where you have been and what you have made it through. These things give you hope, hope that the challenges you face you will overcome. All it takes is a little faith not alot just a little, the faith of a mustard seed. The most difficult things have brought me the greatest joy, the deepest sorrow has brought me the most peace. I hope that one day I can leave a profound impression on my children that we they face the mountains in this world they will know that they can conquer them. That as each chapter unfolds there is a new story about to be written and you can draw a inner strength from the road you have traveled no matter how rocky it has been.

7 Years Ago Today

Seven years ago today I became a mother for the second time at 10:06 a.m. I had my 2nd son K-2. I was induced to have you early so that we could move to Maryland. You were born with great ease. The day we went home form the hospital Daddy and Papa left to find a house for us to live in Maryland and Mimi and I went home and started packing. We headed out on the 23 hour drive when you were only 2 weeks old. The first few weeks you slept alot. Then you screamed for the next year!

When I look at you I often see so much of myself. That can serve you well or be to your own demise! You are strong willed, do not care about others opinions of you, you have a wild imagination, to those you love you are the faith fullest of friends. There are so many things I love about you, you always make me laugh, you drive me crazy more then not, you are always up to something!

I am so glad that I get to be your mother everyday! You never cease to amaze me, though I know I am in for a wild ride and pray that I can keep you grounded, give you all the tools you need to succeed I love you more and more everyday!

So I hope that the next seven are just as great as the last!

Friends

There are these women in my life that I love more then life it's self. No matter what distance may separate you from them, or how long it has been since you talked last. You can pick up right where you left off. They are constant, low-maintenance, fun loving friends. They will laugh with you, cry with you, be there for you in any way they can. I miss them most of the time and think of them often. Most of them are people who still live in places that I left. We became friends in many ways most of them have children my kids ages. They still know and understand what phase of life I am in. Most important they love me for our differences and accept me just the way I am. They make up a big part of my life and I am so glad that they have shared there families and lives with us!

Sensitive

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not the sensitive type. If you need extra care I am not the girl for you. I am sure life made me that way. Leaving home at 16 working in downtown Fort Worth 400 miles aways from friends and family taught me more then a few things. I figure if I can deal with whatever the rest of the world should be able to as well. But, as you grow up thing seem to become more complex, the people in your life become more complex and all come with there own set of issues. I don't go out of my way to hurt others, though yes sometimes it happens. I'm not the kind of person who stays mad, I normally speak my mind then I'm over it. I hold no grudge and try to live my life without regret. For the most part I am an open book. If you get the privilege of being considered a true friend of mine I would do anything in the world for you. I will treat you like I want to be treated by a friend. I put great value on my relationships not only with friends, but my family as well. Everyone who comes in and out of our lives has something valuable to give. They are woven into the fibers of who we are, they help shape and refine us. So if I do not tell you enough how much you mean to me just know that you do! That I love and care about you and even though I am not sensitive, I will still try!

Moving on...

It always seems that once school starts time just begins to fly by me. All my days blend together, with so much more on my plate this year it is one right after the next. The boys all have different schedules, 2 schools and 4 schedules all I do is drive around. Plus I am on the PTO so there is always a meeting or a fundraiser. Then waiting to find out what we are having before I buy anything for this new little addition. I am awaiting the arrival of fall it is my favorite time of year. It always makes me miss Maryland, the colors, smells and festivals.

Last night I sat and watched K-1 play basketball with his dad. It makes me so happy to know that I made the right choice in marrying this man and spending the rest of my life with him. To watch my oldest think his dad is the greatest dad in the whole world even if he can't dunk anymore. He is so loving to our children and spent his teenage years imagining himself as a dad. Even when I feel my cup is overflowing I wouldn't change a moment of it. Life is crazy with 4 boys and one who knows what on the way, but I am glad that I have learned to roll with the punches and try to make the best of whatever comes my way!

Where does the time go?

In the morning K-4 will be 4 it seems like only yesterday I was fighting with the doctor who was insisting that I have a c-section. He was born right in between Silvia and my dad's birthdays. It is funny to think that he had moved 4 times already in his short life from Maryland to Texas and Texas to Utah 2 different houses in Utah. I cannot imagine life with out him. He is funny, loves to laugh, thinks he can do anything his brothers can do. Much to my surprise he is looking forward to not being the baby anymore and to being a big brother. Even though I am sure he has no idea how much that will change his little world. When we moved to Utah he was still a little guy in diapers, now he is starting pre-school this week. I love being a mom and having my boys around I am sad that summer is coming to and end. Even though I am looking forward to getting back into a routine I am going to miss them being around the house all day!

Ignorance and Arrogance

The Ignorance and Arrogance of other's never ceases to amaze me? Really are we not all the same? On the same road trying to find our way. We will all make mistakes, but is up to us to show grace to humanity, we all fall short daily. People can really be annoying, if you set out to find something wrong with someone else it won't be that hard to do I promise you. It is when we allow our minds to fabricate things about other's that makes us beyond wrong. I am by no means a perfect person nor would I ever claim to be the brightest, the best or the greatest at anything. I do my best to be an open book, yet I am cautious of other's. Why would it be justified to go after someone else morally, mentally, physically? Does it bring people joy to see other's suffer? I do think it is part of human nature but a little immature to hurt just because we have been. Or to show power of someone else, pretend we know what they think or feel. I think this kind of person has a God complex and needs humility.

Summer Days

Summer has been non-stop. I love sleeping in till 10 am and staying up late with the boys. Days spent on the deck and outside. Today was spent at the pool with lots of friends! Next week we are off again on vacation to Red River, NM. Where the boys days and nights will be spent with daddy fishing! Yes, he looks up the fishing report everyday (as if it might change). Though I am not looking forward to a long car ride again I will be sad for summer to come to an end! Everyone goes back to school in August. We do find out what the baby is on August 3rd. There are times I still have mixed emotions about it, but I am sure it will all be fine in the end! 63 more days till he can start applying for a new store and we will see how long that will take and where it might lead us for the next chapter of our lives.

Hello Hello again....

Well it has been a whirlwind of a vacation, and as we enter the last week of it I am apprehensive and excited to return to the mountains.

First we went to Oklahoma and stayed with my mom. It was difficult being in her home without my dad there and even though I know he is gone, those thoughts and emotions filled my mind. With all of the family photos around the house it was a reminder of the fact that he was missing from my life. The words of encouragement and hope for the future that he would always give. The deep voice telling you that he is proud of you and the choices tat you have made. Of the mother and wife that you are.

It was good to see my mom yet hard to see her struggle to find her footing in her new life.

Then it was on to Texas where the days and nights were filled with laughter, swimming, eating and being with good friends. I miss the ability to just be. It is so freeing to just be home and be in good company with old friends. I loved seeing all the kids and how much they have changed. Ladies night out playing games and laughing.

Now we are back in Oklahoma and my husband will be here tomorrow. This is the 1st time in 14 years that I have gone 3 weeks without seeing him. So I am excited to have the other half of the parent to my children with me! The boys are excited to see there dad.

As this life inside me grows I find myself thinking of how different my family will look and how we will all change. What the next phase of our life will look like!

Life happens

So I am counting down the days to leave and go back home for the month of June. I know it will be difficult for me to come back. The last few months I have missed just being around my friends and family that I know love me just the way I am. This last year has been trying to say the least, with my father passing away, leaving our church here, and now being pregnant again with number 5 and not expecting that to come out of no where. I feel as though I have been ran through a gamete of emotions and lost all control. Not that I am a big control freak anyway. I am more of a go with the flow kinda girl. Non-the less it has been difficult and I miss the comfort of home.

Here I am reminded of what matters the most to me, and who true friends are. They are the ones who do not let you stand in the fire alone, but are right there with you. I am thankful for the experience and how it has changed me. But, I won't be sad when this chapter of my life closes and a new one opens. It will be a very welcomed change.

People

People aren't they just funny. Complex creatures made up of there own insecurities that they are always trying to project on those who are not. At times I could just live without them. But, there are a few rare gems you find along the ways. Who carve out new meaning to you and your life. They are the reason I bother. I love them the ones you find by accident in life that you are instantly drawn to and know you will remain friends. The ones you are free to share your life with and be yourself with. It is the few that i have found here in Utah and I love them, there outlook and perspective is inspiring.

It is the ones with the hang ups that think they know it all and are always right about everything I could live with out. They can dish is out by the tons, but cannot take it at all. Who talk the talk but cannot walk the walk. We should all just live and let live! Be kind it won't hurt you nor will it kill you. I understand that there are people who do not know what true relationship is. Maybe because they were not shown it as a child or just have no idea. Even though they often think that they do!

yet again my rant!

Waiting to Exhale

I feel like I am a caged animal, waiting to exhale. Only a few short weeks till school is out and the boys and I are on the open road. Like Dorthy clicking my heels chanting there's no place like home, there's no place like home.

Back to the place where no one cares who you are, what you are doing, what you are wearing or what you are talking about. Where the first questions are not about your religious beliefs, instead it is "Hi, darlin' how are you sugar and would you like some sweet tea". Where neighbors greet each other with comments about the weather or the local high school ball games. Back to the place where your front porch and driveways are social meeting places, the curtains are always open and everyone says hello.

Yes, places like this exist here in America is is called the southwest and I love it. Where people talk so slow that you can think about what you are gonna say next because it will take them ten minutes to finish the sentence they are on. Where no one cares what you believe in. Where being an American still holds pride and street dance happen in the summers along with bbq's and children swimmin' in the creeks and ponds. Where there are shade trees to sit under in the hot summer sun!

So, yes I cannot wait to drive over the mountain's and out of the Zion curtain.

On the soap box

I am not the kind of person who whines if things do not go my way. I try to not be quick to anger. Though I am quick witted and can come up with some pretty snappy come backs! My husband and I are opposite in that. So when he tries to whine it does not go very far with me. I am the kind of person if you don't like it change it! I feel like we all have areas we could improve upon. Even though most of the time we do not until forced.

Life is not fair and it is what you make of it. I do not like my world being turn upside down,but when it is I try to go with the flow and not stress out. Because, really what does that help? It doesn't.

Another thing on my mind lately is what in world is wrong with people that they feel the need to lie? Are we not adults? Have we really not crossed that bridge? Do we really need to act like we are in high school and talk about people behind there backs while being nicey nicey to there faces? I am so sick of people telling me lies when I flat out point blank ask them something! And it is a simple yes or no answer and they choose to lie! For me to find out later that they are a big fat liar. Do people not understand that we are the example for our kids and if they hear us lying that they will lie. Not that i have not ever been guilty of a lie, because I have and it is not a quality that I am proud to once say was my own. Having kids has changed that all for me. Now that I see that they will and do act like me! It is scary!

Newsflash people it is okay to not be perfect! And you really are not fooling anyone!

Well that is enough of my soap box!

What about the LOVE

What about the love? When we hurt others or they hurt us shouldn't we always respond in love? Isn't that what makes the world a better place. If that is the case then why can't everyone just get along. I get so sick of the self-righteous who think that they are always right and everyone else is always wrong. Who pretend to have all the answers while knowing nothing about grace, mercy, love or forgiveness. I know I am ranting, but it stinks to be caught in the crossfire of two people that you love and you know they love eachother. Yet it is so hard for them to see there own short comings and not just point to the others.

Work in progress

Why is it that the best lessons learned in life are some of the hardest. Mostly taught to us as children and hard to follow as adults. Like treat others as you want to be treated, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. Why do we lose that sense of right and wrong, what we should and shouldn't do. I am defiantly a work in progress and would profess nothing less. I hope that I am being a good example for my children and think often about the choices I make. I want people in my life who are light hearted and don't always take themselves to serious or can laugh and have fun, yet are tender and kind to others and think about what they say or do. I am not always the most gracious of people and have been known to let my true feelings show more then once. I am often wrong and will admit it and seek to change. I try to look for good before the bad and do not want to be bitter in this place. I try to keep my heart open and my feelings to myself (though at times it gets the best of me). Live and let live isn't that the saying. Well, I must keep my heart right...

Planted

Do you ever find yourself planted rooted deeply in thought. I have lately more then not. I often see my past like snapshots and short stories. There are many things I wish that I would have said more often.

Tonight we (Lety,Kathy and I) went to see Tyler Perry's The Marriage Counselor. It was so funny!!! It makes you think about how one mistake can lead to another and before you know it your whole life can be turned upside down. The grass isn't always greener on the other side kind of thing. With a ton of laughs!

It has been a long week and I have been missing being around familiar faces and places. Long night out on the street in the neighborhood, just laughing and having a great time. I know that once you leave a place that when you go back it is never the same, yet I am ready to move on again and find that place where laughter and the main thing goin'on!

For me moving is like therapy you can re-invent yourself everytime. You grow and learn alot about yourself by being put in new places and new sistuations with new people!

Per Chance

At first glance you would have thought it was nothing, but it was. You would have thought it was just two girls having a conversation, little did the rest of the world know that the one conversation would change the two girls lives forever. The conversation was the one between my best friend and I. It would be the conversation that would lead us both out of the current relationships we were in and off to new cities and towns to live in. We would both move back to the places where our parents lived to rebuild our lives, figure out once again who we were and bring us back to center. The next two years would be spent with a minimum of 4 to five letters a week between the two of us. You see we were only casual friends during that conversation and when we parted. We exchanged address, and once I was settled in I would begin to write to her. I would write this person that I barley knew the most intimate details of my life. I would pour my soul out on paper. No pretenses just honesty. That is how our relationship began, we wrote of our pasts, present and what we each hoped our futures would be. I must say that today looking back on it she is the one person who completely knows me.

To Be Continued...

How fragile life is

The topic I have been thinking about alot lately. Is how fragile life is. How we go along in the moment of a busy life and for some an over busy like, that we forget how fragile life is. Often we think are problems are so big that we cannot handle them. We focus on the right now at this moment instead of long term. So many things in our lives can change in an instant, so what are you doing with the now the right now? Are you loving the people you should are you building the relationships you should, are you pouring into your faith?

I don not want to look at the day as getting through another one, I want to look at with joy and what i have made of it or what I can make of it. I want to love every moment of being a mom even though some days are trying to say the least. I want to be a good wife, a best friend. I want to see things and soak them in. I do not want to get caught up in the things that at the end of the day do not matter.

I want to remember how fragile life is and how it can all change in a moment so that I make the best of what I have been given.

What is the true meaning of Grace?

I often wonder what it means to others. In my life I have needed so much Grace that I feel it makes it easier for me to give Grace. I feel like if you have been blessed you should be a blessing and if you have been forgiven you should forgive. These are the traits I try to live my life by. Characteristics that I want to teach my sons.

Meaning of Grace: The exercise of love, kindness, mercy, favor; disposition to benefit or serve another; favor bestowed or privilege conferred.

Grace to me is loving the unlovable and believing in the goodness even when it is hard to see.

Rollin' with the Punches

I have always been a when life gives you lemons make lemonade kind of girl...
To make the best out of every situation and not take myself to seriously...
It has served me well and I am bound and determined to not let this time in my life change me to much... We all need to change and I am always looking for ways to improve, I by no means am perfect and have alot of imperfections.

But to let others decided what you need to change is not an option for me. I keep it pretty real with myself. I see the good, the bad and the ugly about me. I daily take myself to task on things and have always been intropective of this subject matter.

I do not think it is up to others to define us, or on how they see us. I realize that at times all our vision can be impared because of situations with others. We think that we see to the heart of the matter when really all we see is our own pride. Pride that is a terrible thing to have though we all do at times.

Since I was very young I have kept journals and I have the ability to look back over mylife and see things from a different point of view. I know the things that I have struggled with in my past and the things that I am working on now.

I do not want to judge others though at times I know I am guilty. Though I do not think it fair to just sit and point at a person and pick at their faults without looking at my own. Every man is justified in his own eyes, any man who says that he is without sin the word does not abide in! Strong and powerful words in my life.

I try to lay my life on the altar and stay as broken as glass, but sometimes just sometimes I get sick of being walked on!

Clarity~~~Serenity

As I ponder the last year and half and all that i have learned this time around, I am amazed at times. I find my faith more profound, my lack of let's just say caring what others think less ( like it could be less then before I know).

I find myself back to center more times then not. I have learned to see the world from a whole new perspective. I have learned to question everything. Test all things to know the truth for yourself Rachel, not just because someone says it is so. That is what my parent's always use to say.

Now in my mid 30's I find myself doing that more and more these days. Not only questioning like before, but seeking to know the truth for myself. I find myself leaning more and more on what I know to be true, not judging other's for what they do or choose to believe.

I believe this life is personal your faith, your relationships, your children. I think unless someone is in danger you should keep your opinions to yourself unless asked. I choose to parent my children and I do not want anyone elses opinion on how to do that. They are mine, God gave them to me and I am the one who will answer for them no one else. My faith it was meant to be personal and I like it that way to have a relationship with my maker is a beautiful thing and I do not think that others should tell you what that looks like apart from the Bible, my friendships they are what makes you up and keep you grounded.

I think we should all find clarity in what we believe and why we believe it and search to know the truth for yourself!

Friendship

There are many times that I miss the comfort of home. To know that you have people who love you no matter what. They accept you as you are with no pre-tense, they love you even when you make a mistake. I often think about the people that I love, and the friends that I have made over the years. The funny thing is the ones that you thought were your true friends most times are not and the faithful ones the ones you will carry with you all of your life are a surprise.

One of my good friends here in Utah is not someone that I thought I would be close to, other then we go to church together and our kids go to the same school. But, that was in the beginning, now I know that we are so much more then that. See I believe a true friend is not someone who tells you what you want to hear or even makes you feel better all the time. But, instead it is the person who will call you out, who will be there for you no matter what and she is that person for me. The funny thing is that she and my best-friend share so many of the same qualities and they we born n the same day of the same year and are the same age (which is much older then me lol).

I am very thankful for her and she has helped me so much over the last year with the passing of my father. She has been a true friend and I love her for that. Thank you.... for just being you!

Searching

Well, the rain is starting to fall. I am ready for this season of my life to be over. To get past the loss of my father, the feelings of being overwhelmed being so far away from my mother. Even though I try not to think about it, because it makes me crazy I still do! Just missing the comfort of home and trying to be content is wearing me down. There are bright moments to being here. I have meet some really good friends ones that i know I will have forever. Even thought some have moved away and are experiencing life on a grand scale they are still close! (wink wink you know who you are).

I know I need to get out of this place that I am in and I know once the sun starts to shine I will feel better. The hard part will be going home for a month then coming back and waiting to find out if we move, where we move to and when we move.

It is not something that happens overnight and it is a long process.

You never know what can happen. The last 4 years have been a long difficult growing process and I am still finding my way through alot of it. But, the end result I am sure will be well worth it.

Some things are better left unsaid...

Sometimes I feel like you have to pick your own battles!
I am a pretty approachable person and people take to much freedom with what they say.
I think that we should all learn to be more sensitive to others and their views,
or even to what they might be going through in life.
That being said what is wrong with a little diversity? I personal happen to love it, it is one of the main things I miss living in Utah. And, I don't mean that because of the religious views.
Yes, I am a non-LDS living in Utah, but that has not bothered me. It is the lack of cultural difference here along with racial.
I have lived in a lot of big cities in the US and miss diversity. I miss a difference of opinion. Even in the church that I attend there is a sense of it is my way or no way, that I am not sure to.
I miss people just caring for one another with out pretense.

Where I am from in Oklahoma and Texas, people speak slower, I think they think more before they speak, and they just care with big heart.

I miss home and the 60 degree weather they have right now. I miss Tex-Mex and no one caring what you are doing!

I think that people should be concerned a little more with themselves, care about others without crossing bounds that you should be respectful of, and only give there opinion when asked!

My life with Boys

I know it sounds like a great title for a book or song. Some days I need girl time because I get so much boy time. So outside of family one of the best things for me is girl time. Every where we have moved I have been blessed with friendships that stand the test of time and distance. Thanks to email, telephones, blogs and facebook. It seems that everywhere we move I have a couple of really close friends that stay in touch and vice-versa.

I love that the one thing I need most I always seem to find! Tonight the boys are staying over with some friends from church, Kevin works late and I get some alone time. How will I spend my time you ask? Cleaning of course, nothing like having a empty house all to yourself.

Next year I will venture into a new phase of my life were K1,K2 and K3 will be in school everyday and K4 will be in preschool. I am not sure what all of that will feel like, but I think it will be more productive. Even as I sit and write this K4 is right beside me coloring!

He is always asking me mommy what will you do when I go to school?
me: Well, I will be at home or running errand like I do with you?
K4: All by yourself mommy?
me: Yes honey
K4: Will you be sad?
me: No I will be fine.
K4: Mommy, I want you to have a real live baby?
me: Why?
K4: Because I don't want you to be by yourself at home you might cry?

Note to self don't cry when he goes to school he will be so upset.

Even though being the mother of boys can be trying, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. They are some great guys that never cease to amaze me. They are very thoughtful, they play great together, they love being with just us. They are not high maintenance, they are just happy!

I love that about them!

For 1 day and 1 day only

Well, the sun is shining even though it is very cold. None the less it helps release the cobwebs from my head. I was meant to live in warm climates with maybe 2 or 3 months of winter not 8 months of winter.



I stared of the day with thoughts of my father. His best friend Greg has early on set Alzheimer's and it makes me sad. I have known Greg most of my life. He has been like a grandfather to me. I love him! All I could think of was my dad, how he and Greg did everything together they would watch a movie and fall asleep in recliners together. If one went on a road trip the other went along for the ride to keep the other company. Friends like that are hard to find. To see on was to see the other. They had been that way, they could always pick up where they left off with one another.

I am so glad that the last few years of my dad's life Greg and him were together. he loved Greg like a brother. Greg was always so caring and giving to my parent's. My dad was always talking about Greg. I adore him and it is hard for me to think of him not remembering things. So I pray that God in all His mercy is gracious to him just like he was to my father.

I love you Greg thank you for teaching me so many things. I have never forgotten the lessons that you taught me the summer at the Texas State Fair that I worked with you. I admire you in so many ways, your dedication, your hard work, your gentle and loving nature. Thank you for being apart of my life. Thank you for all of your help with dad's funeral I know how hard that was for you. Thank you for all of your jokes and for always teasing me. Like dad always said those are the things that build character:)

The Slush is falling from the sky!

As the rain and snow mix together, it can not decided rather to snow or rain today! The perfect day to stay home and clean house. With 5 bathrooms and 5 loads of laundry calling my name I am sure today will be productive! The boys are of playing video games and my husband is watch the travel channel his new favorite Man VS. Food he watches it every chance he gets. I am sure he dreams of being able to eat at all of these places and try there food challenge. It's crazy I tell ya.

I am hoping to get back to the gym next week. I had to take the week off after an injury to my calf and I just don't feel as good not going! It breaks up my day and gives me time for girl talk, since I go with a friend of mine.

Lately I find myself dream of where we will live next and who even knows where that will be. But, with 233 days till he can start applying time is going by fast for me. My summer is planned.

1st the boys and I will go home to Oklahoma and Texas for a month. Then when we return swimming lessons for the 1st two weeks of July, then a trip to Red River at the end of July, back to school at the end of August then only a month till the day he can start looking for a new area.

Utah hasn't been all bad, we have made some great friends some I am sure will be with us forever. It has been a learning experience for me and the kids and that is always welcomed by me. I always seek new ways to grow as a person.

So here is to the clock ticking and me looking forward to moving hopefully closer to home, somewhere anywhere!

Accomplishment

Well after last night and today I am feeling pretty accomplished. I have completed 2- 12x12 one page layouts and 7 12x12 two page layouts and a mini-album. I know to many of you this may not seem like a big deal. But, with my dad passing away I have want to complete a few things and this was one of them. I want to leave a story for my children long after I am gone. The most important pieces of life and everyday moments. So they will have these physical memories for the rest of their lives. I know I am cheesy and that is perfectly fine with me.

The boys love to sit and look at the scrapbooks now and talk about when they were little ( like they are so big now). They talk about where we lived at the time, who there firends were and what they liked most. With moving every two years I work hard to help them remember everything.

It also makes me think about them each indiviually as opposed to my boys all lumped together. They each have very special qualities.

By the way Shanna we were looking at the pics of K-1 and Charlie yeah he turned red all over and talked about how he misses hanging out with her! When did it stop being playing with her to hanging out with her???? And about going to the movies and getting to sit by themselves??? Like we were so far away (being right behind them) but, I guess it made him feel big!

So today I feel accomplished and we will see what tomorrow holds! Yes, my phone ringers were off all day not sure how that happened, but no complaints!

uh yea!

So I have been busy, I know blog slacker. I am looking forward to a long weekend. I am going to do nothing but get caught up on a few projects (craft things) I have going on. Today some friends are coming over and we are going to craft. I have a few gifts to get ready. Plus I am just needing the entertainment. SO I promise I will fill you in on my life in the morning! 239 days and counting

It's a great life if you don't weaken...

That is a line from the movie Stella and one I tend to use alot. The snow is back and I am not feeling the love of it all. I am suppose to go to the airport tonight to pick up a friend and her family, so yeah not looking forward to that. Plus, her flight keeps getting delayed!

A few things I have been thinking about lately...

How to live a more compelling life!

I know strange deep things are what make up my thoughts and many of you do not get to see that side of me except through writing. Writing is where it all flows out of!

To me it is not so much measures in my self worth, accomplishments that most people would count as so.

To me it is about the heart and the things that matter most. It is about me and them. My boys all 5 of them if you include the giant one. It is about my mom, my friends. I often think of it as a quilt. The fabric that you sew together to tell a story. Each person has a special place. I don't ever want life to get out of control, where I do not have enough time for what matters most. So many things come and go in our lives we find out pretty quickly what matters. It is those who stand beside you no matter what. It is about the memories that you create, because that is what lives on long after you are gone.

i have been thinking about the things that I miss the most about my dad. And about what would be missed of me. At my father's funeral I wrote and read the eulogy. I had to cut it down several times because it was just to long. It was hard trying to remove parts of it, because they all meant so much to me. I want to leave that for my children to much to even be able to put it into words!

Life in motion!

This is what my afternoon was like... the boys and I went and saw Bedtime Stories...very cute!

Then we came home and made dinner, the boys were talking about what they were like when they were younger. Not that they are so old or something! So we watched old home movies from when they were born and when they were little!

So cute, make me think of how fast time is moving. When you are young you think it will last forever, then when you are older you wish it would you could turn back the hands of time.

I don't know about you, but my days were spent with friends and fishing. River parties and skippin class till we got caught!

My sister was always one of my closest friend, well she had to be we moved every two years. The best times were when we lived in San Fransisco and we would hang out on the block, ride the bus down to Pacifica and watch 2 movies for $2.50. It would take up most of our day! We would walk along the beach and talk to the surfers and just lay in the sand.

These are the type of memories that I want the boys to have. moving around only made me stronger. Moving made me more outgoing. I had to be if I wanted to make friends and I think that seeing all the different cultural places has made me a more open minded person. I tend to see more then one side of the box.

I hope that has not changed? We will see with our next move someday!

I hope that 2009 is on to bigger and better things for us. That we are blessed beyond measure and that where ever we go next is a new season in life foe us.

I hope that yours brings you more love and laughter then your heart and hands can hold!